Ziarul de seara

​i live in a 3rd world country with expensive coffee shops

​ Is it annoying for the people who come across these whenever I start with “I wonder”?   Because I wonder about how what I do is diminished. I was talking to someone today and they asked me what I study. I am a photography and film student and the first thing they said was “Are people still taking pictures now that there’s AI?”. It baffled me to see how much it fucked up our brains. How much being an artist, not even an artist, just a person who captures, is completely useless. Completely useless to capture people in a moment of their life, completely useless to see people. In this world, there is no need to automate everything. Every process, every thought, every feeling, every action, every connection. I don’t know exactly what feeling this brings up in me, but it makes me feel a certain way when yet another thing that I do is seen as useless. Unfortunately it’s one of the most important ones for me.

​I have a feeling that all my research papers look like suicide notes at this point. Doesn’t bother me necessarily but I don’t know if the point gets across well enough.

​ The profound lack of honesty and the unbearable amount of superficiality do not look like good “rules” for a game to me. I was talking with my psychiatrist today and he told me to stop expecting people to be honest and to stop being honest and just play the game. Well, this doesn’t really connect with me because I don’t want my feelings to be a game. If we have to lack honesty in all of our relationships, if we cannot be our true selves, then when are we allowed to live our lives? I’ve been told that honesty scares people, but why should it? There is a difference between being honest and being a jerk, which I think is something often misunderstood by men. I do want to be honest with what I feel, what’s the purpose of going to the doctor because your leg hurts but you have to tell them your head hurts. And yes, I know, a doctor’s purpose is to heal, the same way humans are supposed to help each other and thrive in a community.  We are not by definition and by purpose antisocial cr...

​ When your education starts to be only about statistics, when your education becomes numbers, congratulations, you just became educated by the system. When you can no longer see me, you or them as humans you are welcomed into the “world”. When life becomes a statistic it loses purpose. But you are born to be a statistic, you are born to be without purpose, you only matter as a “human” before you are one, and you only do because the statistic that carries you is useless.   And if you are proud of being a number, you will eventually get counted, not counted on.

​Tonight my crepes turned out the best they ever did!

​ Anytime we talk about finding love, some of the most common first words are “yes, but you can’t expect to find love in _____ (the club, your friend group etc). To be clear from the start, I mean romantic love. I would say ok, maybe the sex chamber of a club isn’t the place where one does their vows, but I do wonder where is the right place.   I often wonder if my thoughts are idiotically simple, thoughts all of us have, but I still haven’t found an answer. Maybe I’m just asking if God is real in a philosophy class, I don’t know.   Now, to get back to my subject, I do wonder where you can “find it”. Where you can find love and connection that isn’t just a compromise of an outweighed balance of things we choose to ignore, where you can find the place and time when it’s right to be honest. It seems like nobody is ready to be ready, nobody comes across the right people, and maybe by nobody I do refer to me, but it’s ok because I just see myself as a subject.   I’ve wondered...

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​They irritate me a lot Them, the men

​Down Down Down Down Down Down Down Down

 I think I’ve seen the clickers from The Last of Us and they were in Berghain on a Sunday night

​When I was younger I used to go to ometv and ask people from the USA to name 4 countries in Europe. My favorite answer was Africa❤️